smooch

forgive.

Thu, 16 Jul 2009 15:46:20 GMT

I forgive you, but don't expect us to be friends again.

Musings.

Thu, 25 Dec 2008 17:14:29 GMT

You're a heterosexual woman.

You date this guy for many, many years and perhaps you marry him.

One day, you found out that he cheated on you.

Would you rather he cheated on you with a girl, or with a guy?

I once saw an Oprah episode, where there were wives of men who were cheated on confess to Oprah that they rather see their husbands cheat on them with another woman, and not with a man.

What do you think?

This was one of the topics we had earlier this evening; yours truly, Anis, Mus and Rooney.

Imagine knowing your significant other for a very long time, you marry him, trust him, share your world with him and that one day you find out that he was having an affair with a man, is that one day that you realise that you don't know him at all.

Deceived.

Betrayed.

Lied to.

All those years, what was the relationship based on?

Has he always been attracted to men this whole time?

Was he using you as a front so that his parents won't find out?

Makes you wonder, doesn't it?

Just thinking out loud.

A stranger that is my friend.

Fri, 19 Dec 2008 15:14:36 GMT

If anyone has read the post I posted up on the blogspot, specifically about this particular friend of mine, that was just a dash of what I really, really wanted to say. I guess I've too much feelings, I care absolutely too much. I should take my own advice that I often give out to Wan: Just care about my own problems and leave the others be. I don't think I'm capable. For one thing, I hate to be left out of the loop, and for the other, I have this caring instinct that I can't put out; I need to care. I want to care. Its what I do.

He became someone I don't recognise. How can you change so much in so little time? Has he always been so... I don't know the right word to describe him? He's becoming such a pansy. A wuss. Imagine a stereotypical gay guy. Flamboyant, soft in manners of speaking and character. That's who he is now. He's like this really birah person! (Birah, a bruneian word similar to lanji which means horny. If I'm not mistaken)

I may not know him as much as the others, but even the others had to know him all over again, from the very beginning.

I can't accept the way he is now. I don't like it.

What I miss the most? Hanging out with him. We never get to go out together anymore. He usually puts a no-show. Eventually, you get tired of being disappointed of him skipping out on you and just move on. The worse part when he doesn't come, is that he doesn't call, or text. Can you be any more INCONSIDERATE? I think the guys have this trait, as well as being late for just about anything. Such princesses. Gawd!

What disappoints me the most? Him skipping a test. A TEST! And he said he had a tummy ache. Just come and suck it in! Its not like we didn't remind him, we did! Why did I, I never knew. Maybe I thought I could save him or something.

Did I mention coming in 40 minutes into another test? He was clearly hating his academics and was set out to destroy it!

He didn't come to the barbecue and he said he would. I'm not surprised. I wasted my breath asking this guy to come because he was a part of us, of the D&D's, even though some of us already started hating his guts.

One night, we wanted to go to the movies. We asked him to come, nicely. He said he would go. Yes, that night, he bailed out on us, his real friends over some two-bit tramp who turned his life upside down and they're not even dating!

Don't get me started on his excuses! I don't know which one is real and which one is fake! He just pours all those excuses for his absence, his lateness. He won't admit to his relationships or whatever. He's like so frustrating!!!

I think I'm just going to move on. Because I can't waste my breath and my time of someone who listens but doesn't act. Its fucking pointless.

Yes, I'm pissed off. Because if he can't be true to us, when will he ever be true to anyone else? Why can't he just admit that he's seeing that, that person, or whatever. Why did he change so much? Why does he like to disappoint people?

Ah, forget it.

Here I go again.

Thu, 04 Dec 2008 17:06:23 GMT

Just when I thought I was out of the loop, I went back right in.Sigh.

This guy is not available.

He is straight, yes, I'm so sure this time.

My gaydar's all fixed now.

Never again will it be clouded by mere feelings of being in love with the idea of being in love.

He has a girlfriend.

Dum. dum. dum.

Stupid. Again, Lee? Why couldn't it be a totally single, totally, cute and totally straight guy?

Cause we live in the real world.

He's Mr. Strong, silent type. Grrrrr.

Whatevuh.

Out.

Past point of caring.

Fri, 07 Nov 2008 14:31:13 GMT

I'm the type of people that cares. To a point where I know I shouldn't, but I do. Some people can let go so easily, but I can't. And I try to, but I usually fall back. Bugger.

I am now talking about the same guy I've talked about in the previous post. The idiot who is at this very moment, ruining his studies just like that. Kaboom! It comes to a point that even the most tolerant person in the group gave up on him totally, and doesn't want to scold him anymore.

Its getting tiring to talk to him and all it totals up to is nothing.

Sigh.

I don't care anymore. Let him rot and die for all I care.

Fin.

Weird.

Thu, 12 Jun 2008 05:58:25 GMT

Friends, I think I was in love with the idea of being in love yet again. Nuts isn't it? Cos today, I can't stand the sight of him, or even stand him. I just find him... repulsive. Crazy, isn't it? To think I was so into him for very, very long time, its crazy to just let go and a few weeks later realise that I don't like him the way I thought I did. I just thought I like him the way I thought I did. Weird, right? Maybe I was blinded, blinded by one part of his personality and not realising that his other part of the personality was not so appealing after all. He suddenly showed me another side of him that was not what I wanted in a man, and made me wonder, where was my measuring stick when I first met him? How much of an idiot I can get? I'm not wary of boys now, I wary of my feelings. Weird, isn't it? Cos sometimes I can be an idiot when it comes to feelings and I hope I don't be when the next candidate comes along, if there is one, anyway.

Me time.

Tue, 20 May 2008 14:53:54 GMT

Today, I've avoided going out of the house. I'm not sure exactly why I didn't accept the invitation to go CZ-ing with the girls today, but I didn't feel like going. Part of me felt guilty cos I've ben out everyday for the past three weeks or so, yes, even during exams, and part of me felt lazy to go anywhere that requires me to dress up and look nice. And part of me thought, I needed some alone time.

Being with friends is one of my favourite things in the world, but no doubt about it, I do not mind doing things alone. I can eat alone in public, shop on my own, go to the beach on my own, do anything and everything that I can do alone on my own. You see, I am not afraid of being alone, and of being lonely. I guess its just the way I do things because I prefer it that way. Now, don't get me wrong, being with my friends takes preference over being alone but sometimes you need that little island of time where I can think about me, and only me. Yes, I can too allow myself to be selfish.

I am now, in that phase of needing time for me and only me alone, so I won't really be acknowledging people online or updating my blog properly for the sake of other people. I want to be slefish for these few days and let myself acknowledge the hitting reality of what I want. I'm not making any sense but I'm not in the right state of mind so what the heck.

I just realise that sometimes being single is not all that it seems to be. It gets lonely sometimes and it just hurts to see my friends happy with their loved ones. I envy their relationship. I envy everything that they have and I guess I want that too, but I guess I can't have it.

Depressed yet again.

Out.

.

Tue, 22 Apr 2008 15:57:05 GMT

Baybeh ku says that its just the stress talking.

I should hope sooooo.

I guess...

Sat, 12 Apr 2008 16:05:23 GMT

I guess I'm sorta finally moving on...

I just realise I can never really be close to him, as much as I want to.

And he could never like me the way I like him. Its that simple.

I could never be that one person who could lend him a shoulder to lean on.

Strangely enough, I'm not upset about it, a little sad but not heartbroken.

I guess the truth was staring at me all along, I just didn't want to see it.

No more drama.

Sat, 29 Mar 2008 12:32:47 GMT

No more drama. Drama's all gone. I've decided to separate my feelings from my friendship with him. Its better this way. So there won't be any more drama, that is unless he does incredibly sweet or odd, like suddenly care for me more than he already does then that will be a different story. But, then again, what chance would that happen anyway? Hahahaha. Today, he had many nicknames for me, alai, abang, sister and oh, he actually called me Liyana once! Hahahaha. My friends rarely call me Liyana, man, with the exception of Najib. It sounded weird, like an adult calling me or something. So formal.

No more dramaaaaaa~~~

Such a buzz.

Wed, 26 Mar 2008 12:55:15 GMT

I never realised the post before this could cause such a buzz, especially with Lyne and Kye (ily both to the max) but I need to clarify things before any of you condemn him any further. Lol.

That post actually serves as a reminder to me, to remind myself to move on. And well, he's not guilty of anything except maybe for making me like him more and more. Its just how it goes.

And my pain, is not caused by him directly. Its the pain I feel when I realise I have to move on. He didn't cause my pain. Reading the post did, because truth hurts sometimes.

I guess my last post did make him sound like an ass but he's not, really. I love him to bits. I sayang him to the max. He is my friend that I don't want to lose him as a friend.

And I don't know what is he doing with all these nice gestures and all, but I take it as a good sign, cos at least he's not ignoring me like some other guy. Kan, kan kan? We have an interesting relationship, him and I, and I think the post was my reminder to keep my feelings out of the relationship so I won't get hurt in the process. I'll just let things go the way it wants to. In the meantime, cari victim baruuu. Hahahah. Kye, that guy in FBEPS atu, the one who carries that big pro looking camera (I know his name plang, lol) kiut pun. Lol. single kah?

So, my sayangs, I didn't realise I made him sound like he's a jerk when he's really not, so jangan condemn2 ia ah? Hee~

Hey, me!

Mon, 24 Mar 2008 13:55:54 GMT

Dear Lee,

Here's a 411 for you, bright and clear.

He's clearly not interested in you, why do you keep having feelings for him?

He clearly has other things in mind and there's absolutely no space for you in it.

He is clearly placing the friend tag on you so why do you keep thinking its something more?

Even though, he wants you to spoil him rotten, and coddle him all the time, does not mean he wishes for you to be his special someone.

He is your friend.

You are his friend.

When he needs your help, you give it.

When he wants food, you feed him.

When he asks you to keep part of his allowance, you do it, because he asked you for that favor.

Its also because he trusts you more than anyone else in the world.

It is not because he thinks you're something special.

It is not because you and him will have a relationship soon.

And when he say your name, Lee, it doesn't me there's a 'you and him'.

He treats you like a friend, he is your friend.

He will only ever be your friend.

He will not be more than that.

And Lee, he may have teased you because you are easily ruffled, unlike the other girls in the group.

Get that through your thick head, Lee.

Get it, absorb it, and learn it.

Read it like a mantra.

Its your mojo from now onwards.

You are to treat him like a friend, and nothing more.

A friend.

Okay, Lee?

Sincerely,
Your logical side, the one that's hurting right now cos sense is finally fucking kicking in.

Dreams, what does it mean?

Tue, 04 Mar 2008 02:41:22 GMT

The other night I dreamt that this guy had a thing for me (in reality, I think he's cute) and we went to the movies together along with two of my friends whom I originally intended to go with saja. The dude just decided he wanted to watch the movie with me and he yelled out to his friend, looking for me and shiznit. And thats me skating over the details. Trust me, you don't want to know how freaky it was.

Last night's dream, involved the D&D's, Anis's current squeeze (boypren), Qayyum, the rain, cars, walking in the rain and shiznit. Weird to the max. I don't remember the details. Haha.

ismy. shit

Pencuri sisir.

Mon, 03 Mar 2008 15:45:57 GMT

Ever heard of that term, 'what's yours is mine, what's mine is yours?' Do you believe in it? I do, but now, its taking a little too far.

Awangku Shahizwan Shahril SWIPED, I repeat SWIPED my comb.

CIS. I left it one day, by accident as I was in a rush to attend tutorial, and he took it and brought it to KB with him. AWAK, saya nak my sisir balik.

Today, I was IM-ing him with Mus's MSN and I demanded that he returned it and he told me a bunch of nonsense something about the sisir kana gaharu (what it means, I DO NOT KNOW) and if my hair starts falling (NAUZUBILLAH) I'll know whose fault it is, and when I threatened to smack him silly, he said he'll jampi serapah me and started typing nonsense. AWAK, LOSERRRRRRR.

Thats the third item of mine that he swiped, including TWO pencils. HISH.

And this evening I asked Arin to IM him to give back my sisir and he had the gall to say that he doesn't want to return it, and that its his sudah. CIS CIS.

AWAK, LOSER.

So now he has my comb AND my two mechanical pencils (one of them is new, T_T)

Don't make me steal his jacket, that loserrrrr.

Dreams, yet again

Sun, 02 Mar 2008 01:13:11 GMT

Three dreams, all weird. Haha.

I dreamt the he was carrying me, many times in that dream, holding me up while I was reaching something, hugging my legs and whatnot.
I dreamt that I was smoking, and for a first timer, I was doing a-ok. And to clarify things up, I DO NOT SMOKE.
I dreamt that my sister, anis, zaty and I were staying at the boys' hostel and the hostel rooms were big, I dreamt that Isz was sharing his bedroom with two other guys, and there were tilams on the floor and bunk beds. I dreamt that they had nasty lockers outside the rooms, I dreamt that two of the rooms had children's bed in it. Nyahahaha. Weird, right?

I'm strong. I will move on.

My subconscious thoughts

Wed, 16 Jan 2008 11:10:23 GMT

I had another weird dream this morning. It was weird because of the people in it, they are friends of mine, yes, but we don't really hang out with the exception of Anis, though and shit. It was so weird!

In my dreams, I was in Miri I think, and was walking around and was near a place where they sell barbecued rabbit which well in the dream smelled pretty awful. I was with Anis and I met this dude I made friends with in 2006, A, there and he said the BBQ-ed rabbit stank and led us to this shop which sells branded goods like Prada, Baby Phat, and many more. There, I met this other friend, Z, and some other people and then A told us to choose whichever we want cos he was paying. Awesome dream isn't it? LOL

Anyway, in that dream, I was one of the last one to choose and there weren't a lot left and I told A to go bring the girls' out and come back later when it was time to pay. So Anis helped me with the choosing of bags, and we saw this glittery one which was so bling-ed out, it was crazy, and we asked the saleslady to get the new stuff out. And then... a song by Keisha Cole popped into the dream. What the...? Dang it! Dream interrupted by Vic texting me about being in UBD. lol. No offense, Vic.

And it was such a good dream too.

*sigh*

Weird. But at least I didn't get engaged or attempting to make someone jealous in this dream.

LOL

HIATUS

Sat, 08 Dec 2007 13:28:21 GMT

I'll be on hiatus till god knows when. Don't bother going to the other blog cos that's on hiatus too.

I feel very fucked up at the mo, so I am currently grounding myself.

Will catch up in the not-so-near future. So, later!

The grass is greener

Sun, 25 Nov 2007 14:14:25 GMT

It has been a while since I wrote a serious or meaningful post. Most of my post in LJ or in my blogspot has been very day-to-day-ish, because to me, that's meaningful and special.

The grass is greener on the other side.

I don't think anyone doesn't feel that way, right? People will always say,'oh, how I wish I was her, doing that, etc. etc. etc.' We could never be entirely pleased with the paths we've chosen, but we have got to learn to accept it.

I remember a friend mentioning to me once, during raya month, how this friend of ours who's abroad envies the lives we've live here, in Brunei. Home. All the convoys we did, all the eating out we've done, the act of hanging out and the rest it all, and she envies that. And not surprisingly, we envy the people abroad. We wish that we were there, with them, hanging out with them there, living independently, celebrating raya with fellow Bruneians in Brunei Hall, etc. etc. etc.

Yes, the grass seemed greener on the other side, doesn't it? But not to those in the other side. The people that has to pay for their monthly rents of their residence, groceries, living literally allowance by allowance, the homesickness, etc. etc. etc.

We here might complain about not being in the UK or Australia, but in some ways we are lucky. Our allowance covers only for food, books and (if applicable) for gas. We get to stay at home and not worry about monthly rents, we get fed at home, and basically, we're doing alright.

But the grass will always seem greener on the other side.

And we will always say, "I wish I was with them..."

But we have got to learn to accept the paths we choose,

And be grateful.

Cos someone out there wishes that they could be you. Yes, you.

xox

P.S I am so over you

Fri, 26 Oct 2007 14:21:44 GMT

Listening to Rihanna's P.S I'm still not over you got me thinking a little. If I heard this song like months before, it would have been my theme song, when it comes to c first love. Don't worry, I am over him now. I am currently into this guy that I hope can make me happy, and I am indeed making progress. But, yeah, had I still be into first love, I would dedicate this song to him, but hey, I am not that desperate. I get the picture. Time to move on, and I have. Thank you, my latest obsession. You helped me get over someone who couldn't love me back and you did it without you knowing it.

Moving on. I wonder how is everyone in the UK and Aussie and wherever? I sincerely hope that the people in Brunei are not forgotten. My last post was spiteful, forgive me, but I was frustrated. But, its not my place to say anything. You're busy, we're busy. Life goes on. I hope you guys are alright there.

Tally Ho!

So is this how its going to be?

Thu, 25 Oct 2007 13:13:28 GMT

So is this how its going to be? Losing touch with friends overseas? And only a handful remembers but not the rest? This is how it is, huh? I'm disappointed, frankly. Never thought it to be this way. But I guess this is the way it goes, huh?!

In the absence of it all.

Sun, 21 Oct 2007 13:19:57 GMT

I haven't update this journal in ages. Apologies. Most updates are done in the other blog, feel free to read them. My life is as exciting as ever. Hahaha. I could bore you to tears with my endless rants and over long story telling about it all. Anyway, this is kinda long overdue. Hahaha.

Sharon, I am so sorry I couldn't send you off, hope you had a nice flight. And, oh, welcome to facebook!

Puasa is over for like a week or so kali dah, idk, so Selamat Hari Raya!

Moving on.

I seem to be making a nice progress with my dear dork a.k.a. Mr. Two, taking it slow seems to work but I do not know. I am still worried. And thinking, will it stay like this? Sigh.

We whine and we moan and people listen

Tue, 02 Oct 2007 16:08:30 GMT

Lately, I feel like I've so many questions in my mind, and so many worrisome feelings. *sigh* I let them get to me, I swear I did. My mind's right now is wrapped around the thought of what if HE found out about what I wrote about HIM, about how much I am into him at this moment. And what if he got scared, and run away, avoid me as much as possible and absolutely refuse to contact me whatsoever? I will be hurt, possibly even more than I can ever imagine, I don't want to be dismissed like that. I am afraid of rejections. And I do not want to lose a new friend so easily. *sigh*

My time to whine and moan and crap about how this crush thing is getting out of hand.

I don't want to ruin this. I have to go slow.

I just have to, but I don't know how.

*SIGH*

Dreams, life is but a dream.

Mon, 24 Sep 2007 17:20:05 GMT

I have been having weird dreams lately, so weird that I remember a chunk of them when I wake up the next morning. I usually don't remember dreams, and most of the time, I sleep like a baby, no dreams. Four weird dreams so far, so lemme tell you starting from the first.

I dreamt that Mr. Two and I pretended to be a couple, and we went to the airport together to see the first love off. I know, I know, what was thinking? First, Mr. Two and I were kinda awkward, but then when first love was near us, I grabbed for Mr. Two's arm and his arm just easily slide to my waist. Omigosh, this is embarrassing. So I basically cuddled against Mr. Two while first love looks on. Gah. Fuckin' dream.
The second dream, I was sending off first love at the airport, and well, airport was less crowded. He walked up to me and handed me his backpack, then he dragged me elsewhere, and well, lets just say we started some sort of relationship right then and there. Helped him out thru check ins and stuff like that and it was just so, so weird and so,so outrageous! X( Basically, in this dream of mine, we were a couple. Sheesh.
The third dream, I was somewhere, I don't remember, but it had a door, and this dude was there, a friend, related to me by marriage (my sister's) and Anis was there. Anis was asking him if there was something between him and I. I said no, I think, and he said yes. And I think I changed my mind right then and there. We started having a relationship and were holding hands and shit. SHIT, SHIT, SHIT.
Last but not least, the last dream. I dreamt I was involved with this guy, and his family and mine were on vacation together. I went home, he came back with me too. Something along that line.

What is up with my dreams of relationships? Apparently being single for too long has affected my subconscious. Like total overhaul.

Maybe I should date compulsively. Haha. Only kidding.

And he wasn't right for me anymore.

Sun, 23 Sep 2007 11:52:27 GMT

He is leaving today. He is going to Newcastle and by the looks of it, I don't freakin' care. He doesn't care if I care. I guess that feeling's all gone now. He wasn't the person I thought he was and I actually have a different ideal man in my head right now. hahaha.

My ideal man would be someone close to this best friend of mine, which I have so many (I mean guys) but he's definitely close to the ideal man. Hard to believe that in form 4, I had a crush on him, then it just faded and in form 6 we just became fast friends. Most of the time now, I kinda look after him, in other words, he likes to be fed by me, haha, well, I guess thats a dead giveaway. Yes, Adib is close to being the ideal man, he is an example of what I'm looking for, I suppose. Surprising? Dunno. I like his sense of style, his wit and his selamba-ness but there's more things to Adib than meets the eye. Now don't get me wrong, Adib and I are strictly friends. :)

Speaking of guys, the other day I was invited to sungkai with this friend of mine at Lamee's before going to the airport. I asked him who else is going and he mentioned two other friends, both guys but no girls. Now. Its either he couldn't get any other girls to go or he conveniently forgot that I was a girl. Hmmmm. I mean, I was the only girl there had I went, so I was thinking to myself, did it ever occur to him that I've got boobs and I wear tudung and my voice is sometimes high pitched? Yes, I am a girl despite what Lisyah, Sai or Anis or anyone else says. Check my DNA, birth certificate whatever, I am still a girl. Its just my brain sex is a man. Haha. I' m kidding of course.

I am feeling slightly under the weather now, I've got the blasted sneezies AGAIN, and these are moments that I really hate cos I really can't do much, sneezing all the time. T3T I've taken some medication and I do hope it kicks in soon, however it makes me sleepy so it doesn't make much of a difference anyway. Don't worry, its a 24 hour thing, it never lasts long, so I'll be fine tomorrow!

Alrightee~ Toodles!

Personal

Sat, 22 Sep 2007 14:30:54 GMT

It's funny how my love life is hardly ever personal, someone always finds out and sometimes I make a habit of telling someone. I don't really mind unless of course someone starts to meddle. Advices are great but love life, whether personal or public is still personal. You get what I mean? Haha.

A friend today thought I mind if she asked who my first love was, but in reality, I never do, I always share this piece of information with friends I hold dear to my heart. Yes, I think I can finally let go of my first love, not altogether completely but most of it. Mainly because the person he is now is not the person I thought he was before. He changed. A lot. To me, it seems that way. I've only known him for what, almost 8 years now. Something just happened that made us become apart, strangers. I guess it was my fault but whatever. I can't be bothered by the past now. What's done is done. If he and I cannot be what we used to be, then so be it.

The past is the past. I can't change it. Ho hum.

Lee's Uni goal, mind you, this might sound completely shallow cos well, I am not ready for a relationship yet, yeah three years is not enough. I just wanna date, be free to walk, talk, eat with other guys, laugh with them, feed them, whatever without someone breathing down my neck cos that ain't cool and that ain't fun.

*smooch*